I want to apologize to my readers, I know it has been quite some time now since I’ve last posted something. Unfortunately, my priorities changed and I had to put all my focus and energy into something else. I think I’m finally ready now to start writing again.
So what happened? you might ask. Well, with some inspiration and encouragement from my friend Cherisse who recently shared something very personal on her blog, I’ve decided to do the same.
I have been battling an eating disorder for the last 10 years of my life.
It hasn’t been constant, it has been and off and on thing, something that never really leaves and always comes back. My support, my thing to turn to when all else feels lost, my way to deal with emotions and problems. It has been my best friend and my worst enemy.
A few months ago things were at their worst. I was severely underweight, and there were days when I could hardly move or get out of bed. I was so tired, completely exhausted all the time. It began to take a serious toll on me, my relationships, everything in my life. One day while out shopping with my family I almost fainted in the middle of Macy’s. I had gone days without eating, having a bit of peanut butter when I felt like I was going to pass out. Friends and family began asking me if everything was alright, I of course lied through my teeth to cover it up. But finally I got to a point where I couldn’t do that anymore. I was a sinking ship, and if things continued on the way they did there was only one possible outcome. Death.
I knew it was time to get help. I couldn’t continue living this way any longer. I wasn’t going to live. I was on a very dark and destructive path. I opened up to my family about what was going on, sadly, they weren’t that surprised. Originally after being evaluated, I was going to have to go inpatient to a treatment center in Utah. I knew that if I went there though, my depression would only worsen. I could not stand to be away from my family for that long. It was decided that I could do an intensive outpatient treatment program near my home, but if they didn’t see results I was going to have to go to the treatment center. I knew it was time to get serious and get better. My muscles were deteriorating, my bones beginning to show early signs of osteoporosis, and my heart’s rhythm was abnormal. The last part scared me the most. Many times when a person dies of an eating disorder they go into cardiac arrest, their heart fails. I was determined not become another statistic.
So for the last few months I have been in this intense outpatient treatment, and I am getting better. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but all worth it. I am still continuing treatment now, but I feel like I am able to take on more, do things a little more normally than at the beginning. At first it was unbelievably overwhelming.
Unfortunately, eating disorders are not usually “curable”. It is something I will likely deal with the rest of my life. It will be an ongoing struggle. But I feel so much stronger now, I am determined to get better not only for myself and my family, but mostly for my daughter. I never want her to have to experience what I am going through, and I could never forgive myself if I influenced her in a negative way about her self-image and body-image. I want her to love herself just the way she is, to know that the pressures from the media are so unrealistic, I want her to be proud of herself. If I am sick and participating in unhealthy behaviors, she won’t be able to do that.
So, although I am continuing treatment, I am very excited to start writing again. I think that I have a great new perspective on so many things, and I am excited to incorporate them into my lifestyle and to share them with all of you.
Thank you so much for reading this and letting me share an extremely personal part of my life. I hope you’re all having a wonderful day and God Bless!