Living a Selfless Life

That’s what it’s all really about, living a selfless life.  All the posts I write about being submissive, being a mother, being a housewife, the common theme is that you put your families needs before your own.  You may think to yourself “Well, I do that all the time!  I’m always doing things for them!”  But when it comes down to it, are you really?  Are you doing things without asking for or expecting anything in return?  Are you truly living selflessly?

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My husbands needs, wants, etc. are met before anyone else’s.  There’s no question about it. He knows it.  I know it.  The children know it.  He is the head of the household, and he is cared for first.  Please don’t take that to the extreme, it’s a general statement.  If a child is injured, sick, crying, etc. obviously they have to be tended to first at that moment.  We are reasonable, logical, caring people, but there is definite order within our household.  I’ve used this analogy before, but I believe it is so accurate.  A Fortune 500 company doesn’t have two CEO’s or two Presidents, they have one.  One person that is in charge and has the final say.  It doesn’t mean that the rest of the employees or board members aren’t heard or aren’t important, but there is one person that makes the final decision about things.  That is what makes these companies run smoothly and successfully.  The same works for a family.  Think of your husband as the CEO or President, you can be the VP.  You are still very important with a role that is essential to the company being successful and running smoothly.  The company couldn’t run with just the President, he needs the VP there too.

By being able to step down and let your husband take the role that comes naturally to him, you are truly doing your family a favor.  You are benefiting everyone, including yourself.  A wife and mother have endless responsibilities as it is tending to the house and children, let your husband be in charge and make the tough decisions for you… let him alleviate some of that stress for you!  Not only does it benefit you, but it benefits him.  Taking this role is what is natural to him, and you will see him become more loving and comfortable in his role, you will see him succeed because this is what he was born to do.  Your children will benefit because they see a strong leader and a loving relationship between their parents, and it will really influence them in a positive way by setting good standards and morals.  The family was meant to function a certain way, and doing so will make it successful.  So why have we strayed so far from a method that works?

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In my opinion, it’s about personal wants and needs.  To say it bluntly, selfishness.  A mother, instead of spending time with her young child and raising them herself, brings them to a nanny or daycare so she can take on a career in an office setting.  Who is this benefiting?  Definitely not the child(ren).  The child(ren) wants to be with their mother.  But the mother chooses a career instead of motherhood.  This is most definitely not living selflessly.  And many times mothers that are working are not able to take on the wifely role at home either.  This is not good for a marriage as the husband is now forced to take on many “wifely duties” in order to help out.  It is unnatural, and will likely cause strain within a marriage.  The wife is upset because she feels the husband should help out more, and the husband is upset because he feels the wife needs to be responsible for her duties as a wife.

Did you know only 29% of women choose to be stay at home mothers?  I understand of course that some women don’t have a choice, they may be single mothers or the family cannot afford for her to not work.  That is a different situation.  But when a woman has the choice, why would she choose to spend time in an office instead of with her children?  This is something I will never truly understand.

So I urge you all, take a step back and look at your family dynamics.  Are you allowing your husband and yourself to take on your natural roles?  If not, make a change, it’s never too late.  You will see such improvement and happiness in your lives!

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“You’re so lucky!”

“You’re so lucky!”

This was the reaction I received when chatting with another woman about how much my husband works. Mind you, I was not complaining about it. I was explaining how much I admire his dedication to what he does. His ability to always put others first no matter what sacrifices he has to make at times. He is the most hardworking man I have ever met.

I sat back for a few seconds trying to process things, trying to understand why she would say such a thing. She continued on…

“I wish my husband would work that much. I’d definitely have a few less grey hairs and wrinkles around my eyes.”

I am very non-confrontational, so I kept my true feelings and what I really wanted to say inside, and answered her with a smile. I wanted to ask her “well then why on earth did you marry him if you don’t like to be around him?”, but instead I said nothing. A smile says enough. As you can imagine this conversation came to a close rather quickly after that, and I went on with my day. But my mind kept going over this conversation, and it really made me think about something that sadly seems to be very common.

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Why are women constantly bad-mouthing their husbands?

This is something that happens way too often. When a group of women get together, it seems like the conversation more than not very quickly turns into a husband bashing party. Is it cool? Is it meant to be funny? Is it being done because others are doing it? What is the point?

I understand that we all need to vent sometimes, to get something off our chest. It can sometimes be therapeutic, but I think it needs to be done in the appropriate way, place, and time.

If you’ve spent the afternoon with your girlfriend complaining about your husbands together, the moment he walks through that door when he gets home from work you’re going to already have a negative attitude toward him, when he hasn’t done a thing but come home! All these negative thoughts will have been stirring around your mind, and he’s not going to receive the love and respect he deserves when he comes home after a long day at work.

Complaining about your husband is not going to get you anywhere but into an unnecessary argument later.

I personally can’t stand when a woman complains about her husband. I think it makes her look bad and classless. Respecting your husband definitely does not include bad mouthing him to others. I am also a person who believes that you should not complain about something unless you’re going to do something about it, otherwise it just sounds like whining. If you have something that is bothering you and you just want to get it off your chest and then move on, that’s fine! I completely understand. But I would not sit there going back and forth competing to see who’s husband does worse or more annoying things. Another way to do this appropriately is if you are asking for advice. If you want to see if I’ve experienced something similar or would like my opinion on how to handle or approach something, I am more than happy to listen and share with you. Besides these examples, there’s really no other time I find it appropriate to say something negative about your husband. How would you feel if the situation were reversed?

Ladies, the bottom line is respect your husband, love him with all his faults just as he does for you. If you’re with friends and they get into “husband bashing mode”, remove yourself from the conversation. You will definitely send a message and hopefully make the other women think twice about what they are doing. We must always love, cherish, and give our husbands the respect they deserve.

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Zip it!

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I’ve learned that sometimes we just need to zip our lips!   Obviously as women this can be especially difficult sometimes,  but it’s amazing what saying nothing can actually do.

At the end of the day, what did you accomplish by getting the last word in, or making some snippy comment, or making sure that your opinion was heard?  Did you really gain anything?  Chances are you didnt, and if you did it was likely an argument and an upset husband. Why is it that we are so intent on doing some of these behaviors?  Perhaps this is how your mother was, or maybe how the people around you are. It could be a number of things. The good news is, behaviors can be changed!

For example, a few days ago I was meeting my husband for lunch with the children. He ended up being held up longer than expected at work, so he asked me to order food. Now, from his text message I thought he just wanted me to order the kids food, and we would order our food when he arrived. This was not what he meant, he wanted me to order all of the food hoping it would be ready by the time he got there. Well when he arrived the kids were the only ones with plates in front of them. He was immediately irritated, already being stressed out from work. He questioned why I hadn’t ordered all of the food, and I answered by telling him his text message inferred he just wanted me to order the kids food. To try to prove my point further, I proceeded to take out my cell phone, show him the text, and explain my side of the story.

What did I gain from this?  An irritated husband and a very quiet lunch. If I would have just apologized for misunderstanding and tracked down the waitress to get our order in ASAP we would have had the enjoyable lunch we originally planned. Instead, I had to make something of it and prove myself to be right. I should have just zipped my lips!

Obviously this is just one example, but I’m sure we have all been guilty of this at one time or another. On top of everything,  I was not showing my husband any respect by doing this to him. It was as though I was trying to be little him. This goes completely against the ways of a retro housewife. We should always shown our husband’s the upmost respect, not questioning them, and never trying to prove something.

Also, the fact that the children were there may give them the impression that it’s OK to question daddy or try to prove him wrong. Children truly do pay so much attention to us, mocking us and following our examples. We must always be careful what example it is we are setting.

I challenge us all to really think before we speak!  Take a moment to think what the point of what you are about to say really is. Are you trying to prove something?   Is it really necessary?  Am I respecting my husband?

I’m Back And Sharing Something Extremely Personal

I want to apologize to my readers, I know it has been quite some time now since I’ve last posted something.  Unfortunately, my priorities changed and I had to put all my focus and energy into something else.  I think I’m finally ready now to start writing again.

So what happened?  you might ask.  Well, with some inspiration and encouragement from my friend Cherisse who recently shared something very personal on her blog, I’ve decided to do the same.

 

I have been battling an eating disorder for the last 10 years of my life. 

 

It hasn’t been constant, it has been and off and on thing, something that never really leaves and always comes back.  My support, my thing to turn to when all else feels lost, my way to deal with emotions and problems.  It has been my best friend and my worst enemy.

A few months ago things were at their worst.  I was severely underweight, and there were days when I could hardly move or get out of bed.  I was so tired, completely exhausted all the time.  It began to take a serious toll on me, my relationships, everything in my life.  One day while out shopping with my family I almost fainted in the middle of Macy’s.  I had gone days without eating, having a bit of peanut butter when I felt like I was going to pass out.  Friends and family began asking me if everything was alright, I of course lied through my teeth to cover it up.  But finally I got to a point where I couldn’t do that anymore.  I was a sinking ship, and if things continued on the way they did there was only one possible outcome.  Death.

I knew it was time to get help.  I couldn’t continue living this way any longer.  I wasn’t going to live.  I was on a very dark and destructive path.  I opened up to my family about what was going on, sadly, they weren’t that surprised.  Originally after being evaluated, I was going to have to go inpatient to a treatment center in Utah.  I knew that if I went there though, my depression would only worsen.  I could not stand to be away from my family for that long.  It was decided that I could do an intensive outpatient treatment program near my home, but if they didn’t see results I was going to have to go to the treatment center.  I knew it was time to get serious and get better.  My muscles were deteriorating, my bones beginning to show early signs of osteoporosis, and my heart’s rhythm was abnormal.  The last part scared me the most.  Many times when a person dies of an eating disorder they go into cardiac arrest, their heart fails.  I was determined not become another statistic.

So for the last few months I have been in this intense outpatient treatment, and I am getting better.  It has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but all worth it.  I am still continuing treatment now, but I feel like I am able to take on more, do things a little more normally than at the beginning.  At first it was unbelievably overwhelming.

Unfortunately, eating disorders are not usually “curable”.  It is something I will likely deal with the rest of my life.  It will be an ongoing struggle.  But I feel so much stronger now, I am determined to get better not only for myself and my family, but mostly for my daughter.  I never want her to have to experience what I am going through, and I could never forgive myself if I influenced her in a negative way about her self-image and body-image.  I want her to love herself just the way she is, to know that the pressures from the media are so unrealistic, I want her to be proud of herself.  If I am sick and participating in unhealthy behaviors, she won’t be able to do that.

So, although I am continuing treatment, I am very excited to start writing again.  I think that I have a great new perspective on so many things, and I am excited to incorporate them into my lifestyle and to share them with all of you.

Thank you so much for reading this and letting me share an extremely personal part of my life.  I hope you’re all having a wonderful day and God Bless!

 

-Nicole